To Kiss a Tomato
by RBMIfan
Summary: The Uchiha are slightly unstable vampires, the Hyuuga are elves, Sasori is an angel and Lee is a werewolf. And those are just the first people Sakura meets when she accidentally becomes the newest member of this very dysfunctional family.
1. The Insanity Begins

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto.

Beware randomness and serious OOCness. Especially Sasuke. In fact, Sasuke fans probably shouldn't read this. Also beware unlikely pairings and major favoritism towards the Akatsuki members.

Pairings: This is a parody of all those Sakura-romance vampire fics out there. So, of course, Sakura won't be paired up with anybody. Current pairings are:

KimimaroxTentenxNeji  
SasorixAnkoxIbiki  
HinataxKiba  
NarutoxTemari  
ObitoxRinxKakashi

Other pairings are up for grabs, so if there's a pairing you want say so in your review and we'll see if we can write it in. The pairing can be as outlandish as you want, this is, after all, a humor fic (and we already have some pretty outlandish pairings).

To Kiss a...Tomato: Chapter One

Sakura shivered as she stood outside the abandoned amusement park, cursing the day she'd taken a dare from Ino. Everyone said this park had been closed down because it was haunted, but nobody except the little kids actually believed it. Still, the place was definitely spooky. And dark. And Sakura hated the dark.

She fiddled nervously with the rusty lock, half hoping that it wouldn't come open. After all, nobody could say she hadn't tried, right? She jumped and whipped around at the sound of a twig breaking behind her. Nothing.

'You're just being paranoid,' she reasoned with herself. She turned back to the lock and nearly jumped out of her skin when she came face to face with a pale boy. Who was upside down. He probably would have been hanging from something, but the gates really weren't good hanging material so he had to settle for standing on his hands. On a stool (which accounted for the fact that he was still face to face even though he was standing on his hands). Which kind of ruined the effect.

Sakura was too busy hyperventilating to notice this, though. Perhaps it was the boy's blood-red eyes that did it. Red...with little swirly things spinning in them. Sakura decided she didn't want to know.

The boy's entire look was also something that screamed "stay away from on dark nights near amusement parks." It wasn't just the eyes, it was also the pale skin, the black hair, the black (granted there was also quite a bit of blue) clothes. It was like something out of a horror movie. Except for the whole standing on his hands business, but, as we said, Sakura hadn't noticed that yet.

Then the boy spoke, which succeeded in upping the weirdness factor several notches. The boy's voice was what she expected: soft, eerie and overall "bad news"-ish. What he actually said wasn't what she expected. "Tomato."

The randomness of the word broke Sakura out of her hyperventilating. "Huh?"

"Tomato." The word was said more forcefully this time.

"Um." Sakura was starting to get seriously weirded out. More so than she was already.

Meanwhile, the boy was getting frustrated. "What part of 'tomato' don't you understand!"

"Uh...all of it?" Sakura was backing away slowly from this obviously disturbed boy. Suddenly another teenager (who looked, if anything, even more strange than the first boy, what with the trenchcoat and the sunglasses in the middle of the night) appeared.

"Sasuke, stop scaring the locals." The trenchcoat kid walked up to the crazy kid, apparently called Sasuke, and started dragging him away.

"Okaaay." Sakura said to herself as they left. She normally didn't talk to herself, but then she normally didn't break into abandoned amusement parks and abnormal things tend to be attracted to each other. She made a mental note to stay away from this park from now on. In fact, she would have left right then, except she happened to look back at the gate and see that the lock had mysteriously come undone. In fact, it had disappeared entirely. But no matter how unnerving that was, Sakura no longer had an excuse to leave.

Hesitantly, she pushed the gate. It swung open easily, giving an ear-piercing shriek as it did so. Sakura covered her ears and winced, suddenly having a whole new respect for oil.

She took a step in and paused. Nothing happened, so she took another step. Still nothing. A little more confident now, she took a few more steps in before…_WHAM!_

_  
_Everything went black.

She came to slowly, wondering what the heck had happened. Distantly, she heard voices arguing.

"What did you do to her, un?"

" He's passed out, Deidara. He can't hear you."

"...I knew that, un."

Groaning slightly, Sakura forced her eyes open. She immediately came face to face (again) with the boy from before.

"Do you see...the tomatoes?" He asked ominously.

Sakura was about to reply when she realized something. She _could_ see the tomatoes! Her eyes widened. She was going crazy! Just like the kid!

"I'm going crazy!" She voiced her thoughts rather loudly. And hysterically. Which, considering the circumstances, was completely understandable.

The redheaded boy standing beside the bed gave her a 'that was a stupid comment' look. "No you're not. This is merely a phase in the transformation where you will experience hallucinations." Everyone glanced over at the crazy boy. "Sasuke never left this phase."

Which wasn't a very reassuring thing to say. In fact, nothing about this situation was very reassuring. It occurred to Sakura that she should probably find out what was going on. And find out what the redhead had meant by 'transformation.'

She turned to the redhead, who seemed to be the most sane person in the room (which wasn't saying much), and stared at the white, feathery things coming out of his back. A little voice in the back of her head informed her that they were wings and that there was no possible way they could be coming out of his back, but Sakura wasn't in the habit of listening to that voice. Which was probably why she was in this situation in the first place. Regaining her composure, she gathered up the courage to ask.

'Um...what exactly is going on here?"

The redhead continued to look at her boredly; Sasuke was leafing through a pamphlet, ignoring her, and managing to look remarkably sane; a blond man looked up from where he'd been poking an unconscious boy.

As one, everyone turned to look at the redhead. Well, the blond did, at least. Sasuke was still ignoring her and the boy on the floor was still unconscious. The redhead, noticing this, seemed to resign himself to being the explainer.

"You're now a vampire." Nobody had ever accused him of being tactful. "Itachi," he motioned to the unconscious boy, "thought you were pocky and bit you. He was drunk, obviously."

Sakura blinked at this news. "And why should I believe you?"

The redhead shrugged. "You're the one that asked." It was quickly becoming apparent that he really didn't care if she believed him or not, or even if what he had said was actually true. This made it very hard to argue with him.

Then Sakura's mind made a connection with something that had been said before. "Wait. Assuming that what you said is true-"

"It is."

Sakura glared at him for interrupting. "If Sasuke is in the same stage I am then that would make him a vampire, too." He certainly looked like one.

"Probably." The redhead wasn't being very helpful.

"Okay. Then why do you have wings?"

"I'm an angel."

This was getting weirder and weirder by the second. It also didn't make sense. In Sakura's experience, angels weren't usually apathetic. They were supposed to be kind and pure and, well, angelic. And she was pretty sure they didn't hang around with vampires, either. Of course, she had never actually met an angel before, so she couldn't really talk. "Is this going to be like some science-fiction novel that I got transported into when I wasn't looking?"

"I wouldn't know. I don't read science-fiction novels."

Sakura decided then that she was very tired and should probably go to sleep. Now. And hope that this was all just a very strange dream. So she did.

"I think that went well, un." The blond commented after she had gone to sleep.

"You didn't do anything." The redhead stated. The blond just shrugged and grinned before pulling out a lump of clay and molding it carefully into what was probably going to end up being some sort of cute, fluffy animal.

Itachi chose this moment to wake up. He blinked his eyes (and rather painfully, as he had a huge hangover) groggily

"Where's the pocky?" He asked as soon as he was conscious enough to realize that the life-sized pocky he had seen earlier was no longer there.

The redhead sighed. "There is no pocky. You were drunk, and that was a teenage wearing pink. Congratulations, you've done the impossible and created a vampire that doesn't have the sharingan."

Itachi's eyes widened and he started to gasp but then stopped because that made his head hurt. "But…isn't that impossible? You have to have the sharingan to be a vampire! Everyone who has it is a vampire!" It was true. Kakashi had proven it when he spontaneously turned into one when he got the sharingan eye transplanted to replace the one he'd mysteriously lost. Nobody was sure where the eye had come from, because Obito was still alive and well with both of his eyes intact, but nobody worried about it too much. Plot holes were pretty common occurrences at the amusement park.

"We know. Apparently she doesn't."

"But…but…this is making my head hurt."

"I'm not surprised after how drunk you were acting last night. How do you get drunk off of pocky, anyway?"

Itachi shrugged. The conversation was cut short as Anko came running into the room. "Sasori! Kimimaro and Neji are doing it again and Tsunade says that if me or Ibiki beat them up again she'd beat _us_ up!"

"…And what do you expect me to do about it?" The redhead, now identified as Sasori, spoke in the same bored tone he'd been using the entire scene. Anko gave him a 'you are an idiot' look.

"Beat them up!"

Sasori sighed and walked out the door, narrowly dodging a poison dart trap set there some time after Anko had come through. He was greeted by the scene of Kimimaro and Neji in the middle of a heated glaring match. Which, considering they were the resident arrogant pretty-boys, could (and often did) get pretty nasty.

Between them, looking exasperated, was Tenten. It was obvious this had happened before. It was equally obvious that Tenten was not very impressed by it. The boys, being boys, of course were oblivious of this.

Sasori sighed and began to think of how he could break this up without any consequences to himself. Fortunately, he knew exactly how to break them up. Clearing his throat, he walked right up to the two rivals. "She's awake." The statement succeeded in snapping both boys out of their standoff. "But she's sleeping now. Who's going to explain this to her parents?"

This was a point nobody had thought of before. What _were_ they going to tell the girl's parents? That their daughter had accidentally been turned into a vampire and would have to live in an abandoned amusement park with a bunch of shady characters? Everyone stared at each other for a while, considering it.

"I know, un!" Deidara had dragged Sasuke and Itachi out of the room so they wouldn't freak Sakura out again when she woke up. "We could get Itachi to bite _them_, too!"

…That actually wasn't a bad idea. Except for one small problem. "How do we know Itachi can even do it again? You're not supposed to be able to turn someone who doesn't have the sharingan into a vampire."

"Oh yeah." This only deterred Deidara for a second. "We could give them the sharingan, un!"

" Sure. Just find a couple of Uchiha willing to give up their eyes and convince her parents to lie down on the operating table and we're all set." Neji replied sarcastically, drawing a pout from Deidara.

Kimimaro glared at Neji for no particular reason, other than the fact that he really didn't like the elf much, before answering. "We could knock them out."

"Sure, but we still need to actually get the eyes." Neji put in, not wanting the shapeshifter's suggestion to go unchallenged.

"Get them from wherever Kakashi got his." Tenten spoke up then, effectively stopping the argument before it began.

There was a short silence. "Where _did_ Kakashi get his eye?" Neji finally asked, voicing the question on everyone's mind. Everyone looked at each other.

"Someone talking about me?" Said vampire commented as he walked into the room, usual orange book in hand.

"Yeah, where'd you get your eye, un?" Deidara asked bluntly.

Kakashi blinked. "My eye? Dunno, some strange girls gave it to me."

All of the Favorite Characters (which was most of the people in the room) looked at each other, knowing exactly who he was talking about. Which brought up a course of action nobody had considered before. Ask the authors. It would certainly solve their problem, but things tended to get chaotic when the authors were involved. Well, more chaotic than usual. Deciding that it was worth the risk, everyone who knew what was going on turned to Itachi, who was still on the floor but looking much better than before. As the official Favorite Character of both the authors, he was the one relegated to asking them for favors. Poor him.

Said authors were currently very amused at the predicament the group had gotten themselves into. Nevertheless, they decided that, for the sake of continuing the fic in the amusement park, they'd help them out. So it was that Sakura's parents got mysterious letters informing them that their daughter had been chosen to participate in a highly secretive government project that existed for the good of everyone and would they please sign this form saying that they agreed with the terms enclosed and would not go searching the abandoned amusement park for their daughter.

Now that the whole matter was resolved, things went back to normal rather abruptly. One of the bombs Deidara had been fiddling with (something he did whenever he wasn't occupied with something else) went off, leveling everything in a ten-mile radius. Sasori, hair and clothes scorched but otherwise unharmed (a feat anyone living in the park for any amount of time learned out of pure necessity) looked over to where Sakura's room used to be.

"I suppose next time we should shield the room."

Well? What do you think?


	2. And Then She Woke Up

Warning: Randomness, OOCness, crack pairings, and poking fun at various stereotypes. Reviews are welcomed and make me write faster. All input or ideas will be considered.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else I might mention here that belongs to somebody else.

Chapter Two:

When Sakura woke up again, she was in a different room. She also had mild burns on her face and arms that she was positive she hadn't had when she's fallen asleep. In hindsight, that probably hadn't been the best move.

Upon sitting up, she came face to face with a group of pale-eyed, pointy-eared (she had a sinking feeling as the word 'elf' popped into her head) people that all looked remarkable alike. The (intimidating) one in the middle, apparently the leader, started speaking as soon as she made eye contact.

"We are the Hyuuga, of the ancient and esteemed race of elves. As such, we have deemed it necessary to evaluate the newest addition to our community and judge if she is worthy of staying."

Sakura waited for him to continue. The elves just stood there, looking at her expectantly. Sakura realized she was supposed to say something.

"And?"

The leader sighed dramatically and took out a notepad. "Has anything unusual ever happened to you before?"

Sakura blinked. "No."

The leader frowned and marked something down. "Grades?"

"Average."

"Any special talents?"

"Nope."

"Odd family history?"

"No."

The leader sighed again. "Okay...is that your natural hair color?"

"Yes."

Some of the other Hyuuga smiled and nodded to each other at that. The leader wrote something in his notebook. "Do you have any quirks?"

"I have a split personality. I call her Inner Sakura." For some reason she didn't have any qualms about telling them this. They were already so messed up that a split personality seemed normal in comparison.

The leader looked at her when she said that closed the notebook and stated, "you're in." He paused. "Just don't fall in love with a Hyuuga. I don't want pink-haired elves running around here." Some of the other elves shuddered. The leader turned to leave the room. Before he could get to the door, it opened to reveal a bunch of pale, red-eyed people, led by an incredibly short, equally pale and red-eyed person. She spotted Itachi and Sasuke in the crowd and figured that these must be the other vampires. She hoped they weren't as crazy as the two brothers, but knew better than to count on it.

The Uchiha leader walked up to the Hyuuga, looking up at his defiantly. The Hyuuga leader looked down at him equally defiantly.

"Do you have a problem, Shisui?" He asked in that arrogant, 'I'm-way-better-than-you-are-so-deal-with-it' attitude that all elves seemed to have. Maybe because it was true. The vampires, while lacking that inherent superiority, were so unpredictable that they ended up winning half the fights against the Hyuuga. In fact, the score was about 34567839:34567838, with the vampires in the lead.

"Yes. I'd like to know why you're bothering one of ours without our permission, Hiashi." The short one, identified as Shisui, didn't quite manage to match the Hyuuga in arrogance, but there was something disconcerting about staring into those unnaturally red eyes. That spun. Sakura still hadn't figured that part out yet.

Hiashi scoffed and seemed only mildly affected by the eyes. Maybe because his eyes were almost as freaky. Weren't pupils required to be able to see or something? Not that these people had followed any of the other rules of life. "She may be a vampire, but she's not an Uchiha. You have no authority over her. Besides, we thought she deserved to encounter civilized people before being forced to mix with people like you.

"Oh, please. You're just jealous because we're better than you."

"I hate to burst your bubble, but no Uchiha has ever been better than a Hyuuga."

Just then a blond man, his younger clone and a red-haired man with fox ears and a tail walked in. The blond man looked at the two families and presented his opinion on the matter.

"I'm better than all of you. Argument over." He smirked, obviously feeling very proud of himself for coming up with such a clever solution. His companions disagreed.

"Says who?" The fox-man demanded.

"Yeah, says who?" The clone echoed.

"Says me." Nobody seemed impressed with this answer.

"How dare he." Hiashi muttered to Shisui in the background.

"You wanna help take care of them?" Shisui muttered back.

And so the two clans actually worked together for once, and the blond man disappeared for a while. Throughout this, Sakura had been watching from her bed. She cleared her throat, and everyone looked at her in surprise, as if they'd forgotten about her. Which they probably had.

"This is my room," she pointed out. "I would appreciate it you asked permission before dragging your issues in here. I need at least one sane room in this place if I'm going to stay."

The crowd muttered a bit at this. Who ever heard of a sane room? They certainly hadn't. Which explained a lot. In any case, Sakura wasn't done talking.

"I'd also like to speak with whoever's in charge around here. Who can take me to him?"

That got a reaction. As one, everyone in the room paled, looked at her in horror, and bolted. Sakura wondered what she'd said.

So it was that Sakura had several minutes of peace and silence with which to collect herself. That is, until a new boy entered the room curiously. Upon seeing her, a strange look came into his eyes, and he immediately bounded over to her bed and took her hand reverently.

"Fair lady, my eyes have never beheld a beauty such as yours! Might you honor me, a lowly werewolf, with your name?" He looked into her eyes beseechingly, and Sakura was quite taken aback. She hadn't thought people outside of fairy tales actually spoke like this. And he was a werewolf (after what she'd seen so far she didn't doubt that). Weren't they supposed to be brutish? They certainly weren't supposed to go around spouting poetry.

Extracting her hand from his, she debated how to respond to this. It was probably a good idea to get him on her side so she'd have a guide. So she opted for being polite.

"My name's Sakura. What's yours?"

"My name, Lady Sakura, is Rock Lee!" The boy, Lee, seemed overjoyed at her response.

"Great. I don't suppose you could tell me who's in charge around here. I asked some other people, " she still wasn't sure who they were, "but they ran away."

Lee, too, paled at the request. He didn't run away, though, which was an improvement. After a minute he collected himself again.

"Very well, but only because I was asked by such a beautiful lady. I must warn you that our esteemed leader has a bit of a temper. You would do well to avoid setting it off." At this, he actually bowed and backed out of the room. Sakura, feeling she was finally getting somewhere, followed.

They traveled through a large room filled to bursting with soft, cushy objects. Lee addressed it as the Comfy Room, an apt name. They traveled through a dining room that looked like it had recently gone through World War Three on the losing side: the Third Dining Room, according to Lee. They had ten. Sakura didn't want to know why.

After a while they left the more frequented rooms in the building and entered into what Lee called the Dark and Spooky Hallway. Looking around, Sakura could see why. The entire hall looked like something out of a haunted house gone wrong. Lee said it was because a lot of people here were melodramatic, and liked making fun of their stereotypes. Apparently they had a Bright and Sparkly Hallway, too. In one of the rooms they passed, Sakura noticed the three people, minus Sasuke, that had greeted her when she first woke up, plus a large shark-man, playing poker. In another room somebody had amassed a large amount of chocolate.

At the end of the hallway there was a large, medieval-style door standing ominously shut. Lee grabbed hold of one of the silver knockers and slammed twice before opening the door without difficulty, though it looked like it weighed about fifty tons. It let out an ear-piercing screech as it opened, forcing Sakura to clamp her hands over her ears.

"I thought she told them to oil this," Lee commented at the door as they passed through.

"I thought I told them to oil that!" An angry shout came from inside the room, and Sakura looked to see a pretty and, ah, well-endowed woman with long blond hair tied into two low pigtails. Lee gulped visibly when he saw her.

"Tsunade-sama." He began tentatively. She whipped around, fixing him with piercing brown eyes. Lee seemed to wilt under her stare, but bravely held his ground. "I've brought the new vampire."

The woman, Tsunade, blinked once before her personality underwent a complete reversal. "Oh, the new vampire! Thank you for bringing her, Lee, I was beginning to think I'd have to go down myself." She turned to Sakura sympathetically. "They haven't scared you too much, have they?"

Sakura, when she got over her shock, began to hope that perhaps she had found a sane person here. "They were...different." She admitted, not wanting to speak badly of them in front of their leader.

Tsunade seemed to sense this. 'Oh, you don't have to be polite. Most of the people living here are crazy in one way or another. You get used to it, trust me." She smiled reassuringly.

Sakura found herself smiling back. "I don't suppose you could tell me where 'here' is, could you?"

"Of course. You don't know anything about us, do you? I'll have to get someone to show you around later." She turned and walked to a large throne in the middle of the room. She sat down, picked up a fancy scepter and almost managed to make herself look regal. There was pause before she seemed to grow impatient. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Sakura was starting to get used to these kinds of things. "For you to tell me what you're doing," she stated flatly.

Tsunade shot a withering look at Lee. 'You didn't tell her?"

Lee looked sheepishly at the floor. "I forgot."

She sighed. "I'm going to officially declare you a member of us. Come over here and kneel, I'm going to knight you."

Sakura blinked. "Why?"

"Because it looks cool, why else?" She paused, then added pointedly, "it looks cooler if you don't ask questions."

Sakura sighed. Maybe this Tsunade wasn't as sane as she'd first thought. She wondered if she'd get to be like that eventually. She hoped not. Not having much else to do, she decided to go along with them. She walked up to the throne and knelt. Tsunade lowered the scepter across her shoulders and spoke in a dramatic voice.

"I now pronounce you and official member of SUSOMC, the Secret Underground Society of Mythical Creatures."

Sakura didn't feel any different. She'd half expected to suddenly start conversing with tomatoes about the fine points of clan rivalry, but it appeared she was still normal. For the moment.

Tsunade was currently appraising her critically. "We'll have to get you a new wardrobe. Those clothes simply won't do."

Sakura frowned. "What's wrong with pink?"

"For one thing, it'll make Itachi think you're pocky again."

"I'll change," she agreed quickly. The last thing she needed was another incident like _that_.

"Wonderful. I'll assign Sasori and Anko to take you shopping. They can give you a tour, too."

End of Chapter

What do you think? I was originally going to put the shopping scene in this chapter, but decided to wait. It could turn out to be pretty long. Anyway, reviews make me update faster. To anonymous reviewers: Sakura and Itachi are always paired up in these fics, so it would defeat the purpose to pair them up here. And I dunno where Itachi's obsession with pocky came from. Officially, his favorite food is dango.


	3. The Society of Mythological Creatures

**Author's Notes:**  
The next chapter is up! I was worried this one would be boring at first, actually (I usually finsd shopping sceenes boring), but I think I did a pretty good job with it. I'll have to warn you, though. While writing it, I happened to read the first five volumes of Bleach. And I thought Soul Society would fit in rather nicely. And once on that train of thought, I found several other settings from various anime that would also fit nicely. So this fic's become a bit of a crossover. I don't think you need to be familiar with the series to understand what's going on, though.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I also don't own any other anime that may be indirectly mentioned during the fic.

To Kiss a Tomato Chapter three

Sakura was standing in front of a large shopping mall. Or at least Anko claimed it was a mall. It looked more like an abandoned warehouse to Sakura. Currently, her'guides' were inspecting the front of the building. Sakura wouldn't have been surprised if they were looking for a secret entrance. They seemed to like things like that.

"Wait! I think I found it!" Anko was staring at the section of the warehouse wall she had been searching. "The pixies didn't hide it very well," she tsked, "so it must be trapped. Stand back."

Sasori grabbed Sakura's arm as he passed, dragging her behind a suspicious looking rock. A few seconds later, there was loud explosion, followed by a singed and smoking Anko as she joined them behind the rock.

"The pixies outdid themselves with that explosion. I'll have to tell Deidara they catching up again." Anko brushed soot off her clothes and hair.

"Um… are you sure this is safe?" Sakura eyed the column of smoke billowing up from where Anko had said the entrance was.

"Of course not! Safe is boring." Anko replied cheerfully. "Well, time to shop!" With that Anko bounded out of their little shelter, closely followed by Sasori. After a moment's hesitation, Sakura sighed and followed.

Despite preparing herself for the worst, she gaped at the huge hole in the warehouse wall. Even stranger than the hole, though, was the swirling blue vortex on the other side of it. Sakura sighed. She should have known secret doors were too mundane for these people.

Sasori seemed unimpressed by the pretty colours, much to Anko's annoyance. "You can at least pretend to be excited," she muttered to him sullenly.

"I am excited. You just overstate everything." His tone was remarkably bored for someone who had just claimed to be excited.

"And you understate everything!" she huffed. Turning to Sakura, her attitude did a complete 180. "Never mind Mr. Party Crasher over here, Sakura. You're going to have so mush fun here."

Somehow Sakura doubted that, but she didn't say anything. It would probably have just encouraged Anko to prove that the place was fun. And that might be fatal.

* * *

Not for the first time, Sakura wondered what she had done to deserve being stuck with these people. She was currently standing outside a glowing clothing store (when she asked why it was glowing she'd gotten pitying looks and "she must be new" comments. It was all very reassuring). A few feet away, Anko was engaged in a heated argument with a guy that had come sort of flat bone protruding from his head and strange markings covering his face and arms. Sakura had long ago decided she didn't want to know what race he was.

"I'm telling you it's a fruit!" Nobody was quite sure how the argument had degenerated into the famed tomato debate, and they didn't particularly care, either. They were too busy taking sides and developing new grudges (as if they didn't have enough already).

"And I'm telling you you're an idiot. It is clearly a vegetable." Not quite animated as Anko, the alien-looking man was nevertheless just as devoted to his view as she was.

"What do you know about tomatoes? I happen to live with a vampire who's obsessed with them. I ought to know what they are." She neglected to mention that most Uchiha believed that tomato to be a vegetable, and that the tomato-obsessed Uchiha in question had never voiced his opinion on the subject.

The man was unimpressed. "As far as I'm concerned, everybody who lives in the Crazy House(1)," what other people called the theme park apparently, "isn't qualified to give their opinion on anything."

This seemed to make Anko angry. "According to a lot of people, anybody whose part of the Society isn't qualified to give their opinion on anything."

Sasori watched her from beside Sakura, a spark of interest lighting his eyes for the first time since Sakura had met him. She looked at him curiously, noting the increased restlessness of the crowd watching the fight, and wondered at the comment. It had never occurred to her that these strange people had social and political problem, and now she wondered why. Perhaps these people weren't so different from humans after all.

"Well that's their problem, then, isn't it?" The man replied smoothly. "I could say the same for them. They're the ones still fighting with each other, after all." He said this with a smile, and much of the tension dissipated as the crowd nodded with approval.

Anko smiled as well. "You got that right." She turned back to the group, evidently tired of the conversation. "You're not half bad. I have shopping to do, maybe we can continue this later."

The man nodded silently, and melted into the crowd. Sakura was quickly dragged along to the next shop, wondering what had just taken place. She made mental note to ask Sasori the next time Anko left. Indifferent as he was, he seemed like one of the more intelligent of her new companions.

"Anyway," Anko was smiling cheerfully again. "We have to get you a theme." She scrutinized the shops they passed critically.

"A theme?" Despite herself, Sakura was intrigued.

"Of course! You know how all the Uchiha wear black and blue, and the Hyuuga tend to wear browns and crèmes? And I like trenchcoats? You need a theme for your clothing. And it can't be pink."

Sakura nodded, she had gathered that already. "Why can't I wear whatever I want? Besides pink, of course."

Anko gave her a horrified look. "But you have to have a theme! Not having one is just… unnatural."

"If you say so." Sakura decided she didn't really care. As long as she liked the clothes it shouldn't matter. She snuck a look at Anko's fishnet shirt and tenchcoat. She hoped she'd like them, at least.

"Glad you agree! So what kind of clothing store would you like?" Anko had somehow gotten a hold of a map and was now perusing it curiously.

"You don't know your way around?" Sakura ignored the question for now, instead she motioned at the map. Anko blinked, before understanding.

"On, no. I don't usually do the shopping. Something about always coming back with the wrong stuff." She shrugged. Sakura could believe that. "So, what kind of clothes would you like?"

"Um… nothing too strange." She'd been looking at some of the outfits in the crowd milling around them, and wondering if anybody in this store sold normal clothes. "Maybe clothes like I'm wearing now." Which was dark pink sweatpants and a pink tee-shirt. Beside them, Sasori sighed.

"Just take her to Thyle's Anko." There was a hint of impatience in his voice, and Sakura figured he didn't like shopping. It would explain the lack of interest, but Sasori seemed to know the mall better than Anko did. When Anko reluctantly nodded, he had led them down one of the narrower hallways of the mall (the place was like a maze, Sakura understood why someone would need a map to avoid getting lost) This hallway was much less crowded then the one they had left (since it was connect to the… door… Sakura assumed it was the main corridor), and the shops seem less eccentric. They eventually came to a plain (compared to the others) shop, a tattered banner hung haphazardly above the doorway identifying it as Thyle's All-purpose Resource of Human Apparel.

Anko made a face at the store, before following Sasori in. For some reason Sakura found that comforting. She hurried in after the duo, narrowly avoiding a nasty hit on the head as the door swung shut behind her.

The inside of the store was surprisingly comfortable, with wooden shelves and strangely floating balls casting a soft orange glow throughout the room. She was surrounded by a myriad of objects both familiar and foreign, but all of them distinctly human. Sakura saw a beautiful African vase sitting beside a delicate glass chess set; a rack of kimono set next to the latest style of tank tops. It was to this section of the store Sakura followed her guides to, and she noted with relief thevariety of relatively normal clothed displayed there.

"I still think this place is boring." Anko complained, wandering off slightly to poke at the jewellery hung nearby.

"Just because you think it's boring doesn't mean Sakura can't shop here." Sasori reasoned with her patiently. "She was human until just a day or two ago, remember. Much of the clothing in the society must be strange to her."

Anko glared back at him. "Why do you always have to be reasonable?" She turned pointedly back to the blue-diamond bracelet sparkling prettily in her hand. Pouting as she read the price tag.

Sakura tuned the two after that, focusing instead on finding some decent clothes.

* * *

Two hours later, a much more content Sakura walked out of what was now her favourite store with about twenty bags of clothes (most of which Sasori and Anko were stuck carrying). Anko didn't even protest, preoccupied as she was with her newest accessory. Sakura had been a little surprised when Sasori had added the bracelet to the pile of clothes at the checkout. Anko, on the other hand, had been ecstatic, and promptly glomped him.

The pink-haired vampire was interrupted from her peaceful thoughts by a large explosion down by the entrance of the hallway. All around them, customers stopped their milling ( a favourite past-time of mall-goers) to rush to see the action. Anko, eyes honed in on the source of this new chaos, quickly joined them, dragging the other two along.

The cause of the explosion seemed to be from some sort of energy gone awry, if the whispered rumours around them were accurate. The crowd had formed a ring around the ones shooting energy beams- a woman with fiery red hair and cocky smile was facing a small girl with soft blond hair and eyes. What surprised Sakura was that the girl was holding a sword almost as big as herself.

"What's going on?" Sakura whispered to her guides worriedly. Anko was grinning from ear to ear as she glanced back at her.

"Looks like a duel. This one should be good. Raiya," she nodded at the redhead, "has never lost a fight, but Tsuka," she indicated the girl, "is gaining a reputation as a prodigy shinigami. Raiya probably challenged her."

Sasori snorted softly. "You can't remember where a store is, but you know the fighting records of every alliance member within two hundred yards." Anko pouted.

"How else am I supposed to know who to fight and who to avoid like a plague? Now hush, things are getting good."

Throughout this little exchange, the dueling partners had been fairly calm, perhaps looking for an opening. Now, however, the girl lifted her sword for the first time since Sakura had arrived and swung it at the redhead impossibly fast. The redhead was caught off guard and dodged too late, getting clipped on the shoulder. The blow, through glancing, sent the redhead sprawling to the floor. As the girl moved to follow the attack; the redhead erupted into flames, forcing the girl back as the redhead got back to her feet. Forming two fireballs in her hands, she promptly threw them at the shinigami. The girl dodged, causing the fireballs to hit the audience, who scattered amidst surprised screams. Unfortunately, one of the fireballs hit the area Sakura's group was in.

Sasori reacted instantly, scooping Sakura up and shooting into the air. Sakura gasped as suddenly there was forty feet of air between herself and the floor. She suddenly discovered that she was afraid of heights and clutched Sasori's neck in a death-grip. Beside them, Anko was shouting curses at the redhead. Unfortunately, she forgot that when fallen angels shout curses they're real. The redhead stopped as the first one hit the back of her head before  
turning and launching another fireball at Anko.

Sasori sighed as Anko dove into the fray. "We're leaving," He called to her before flying off to a safer place, much to Sakura's relief.

"Will Anko be okay?" She asked him as they set down in a fairly calm part of what looked like a food court.

Sasori shrugged. "She does this a lot. She'll find us again eventually." He gestured to the restaurants. "Are you hungry?"

Sakura realised then that she was ravenous. "Yes. But I don't have any money." She sat down in one of the chairs, and Sasori dumped the shopping bag (Sakura just then realised that he was carrying Anko's as well) on the floor beside her.

"That's fine. Anything you buy today is on us. After that you'll have an allowance until you get a job." Sasori said in his usual calm, matter-of-fact voice. Right now, a little overwhelmed by the strange mall, Sakura found that reassuring.

"Sasori," she began, remembering the strange man's word from earlier, "What is the Society?"

He glanced at her as he followed her to the nearest restaurant. "The Society of Mythological Creatures began when a group of people from several races got tired of fighting each other. They were exiled when they refused to fight, eventually found each other and founded a sort of underground community. Word spread about us, and other people joined. It's gotten very big by now, and nobody can believe how successful it's been."

Sakura blinked. She had always thought of places like the one he'd described being peaceful. The way Sasori explained it, it was peaceful. Then why all the fighting? She asked him as much, and he seemed amused at the question.

"Just because this is neutral ground doesn't mean old grudges disappear. But nobody is really trying to kill anyone here. Fighting has turned into more of a recreational activity."

"Yeah, and even if somebody does die, we have an extremely complex system to avoid the shinigami until we can return to our bodies and claim we never died in the first place." Anko had apparently returned from her fight, looking rather charred but otherwise intact.

"And that's why both Reikai and Soul Society don't like us." Sasori gave her what might have been a glare except, well, it was Sasori.

"Wait," Sakura held up a hand to stop them. "So you guys fight for fun, and when you die you avoid the shinigami that come to get your soul." They both nodded. "And what are Reikai and Soul Society?"

Sasori and Anko looked at each other. "You explain it." Sasori offered. Anko grinned.

"That's a long story. You see there was once only one realm in charge of dead souls and such, and it was also in charge of protecting the humans from hollows, which are dead souls that have gone evil and mutated into monsters, and demons, who cross over from their realm to cause chaos every once in a while. But one day the leader of that place had twins, and for some strange reason they both inherited that throne. Well the kids couldn't agree on anything, so to make a long story short they decided to split the responsibility. The older one founded Reikai and took care of the demons, and the younger one founded the Soul Society, which takes care of hollows. They both use shinigami."

"So… then, which one do the dead souls go to?"

"Beats me. They probably have some complicated system for splitting them up, but I'm too lazy to find out."

"I see." Sakura thought a while. "How many other realms and races are there?" She had to turn away as the cashier inquired about her order.

"Surprisingly, not that many, realms that is. I think I know about half a dozen. Races, on the other hand, are hard to count. Every time you think you have all of them a new one pops up. Like that whole incident when the mermaids suddenly showed up and demanded to be recognised as a race right after the second time they made a list. They don't even bother anymore." Anko made a face as she pointed to the double cheeseburger and looked beseechingly at Sasori. "It's irritating. How am suppose to get a decent idea of everyone's strengths and weaknesses when 'everyone' keeps changing." Anko pouted and refused to go on. Around them, people were nodding in agreement, as Anko had raised her voice loud enough to be heard across the room. Apparently Anko wasn't the only combat-junkie present. As Anko got into an animated conversation with a passing werewolf about the fine points of armed combat, an idea suddenly occurred to Sakura.

"If souls go to both Reikai and Soul Society, and they have shinigami. Then where do angels come from?" She unconsciously lowered her voice, conscious of the many people around them.

Sasori got a vaguely annoyed look on his face and he pointed up.

"Oh. But where's that?" Sakura was confused. Did they live in the sky? Sasori just shrugged. He didn't know. Sakura found that mildly worrying.

"That's also something that's not fair. We were here first, why do these new upstart races have to go and take over everything? It use to be us that managed everything, back when there was no such thing as a shinigami." Anko was scowling, having abandoned her debate to rant further about the many wrongs committed to her convenience. "And we didn't even try to stop them! The Council just decided they didn't care!"

Sakura blinked at this, turning to Sasori for clarification. The angel sighed. "The Council decided that watching these 'upstart races' try and run the universe was far more entertaining than doing it themselves. That's what we've doing ever since. Well, most of us." He glanced at Anko, who's scowl turned into a wicked grin.

"Your council is made up of the driest, dullest angels I have ever seen. You can't blame me for leaving. Besides, black is much cooler than white." She displayed her ebony wings proudly. As they explained over their food, the angel's realm (and, as Sasori had indicated, nobody knew quite where it was, not even the people living there) was completely white. When a group of angels left to protest how boring their realm had gotten lately, they painted the realm they moved into black to make a point. Then they painted their wings black (they wouldn't reveal how), because they could, and because it matched the new décor. It was the main cause of tension between the two strains of angels, as the 'fallen' angels (as they called themselves after reading too many gothic dramas) were now blinded whenever they visited their old home, and ordinary angels tended to walk into walls when they visited the new realm.

* * *

Sasori leaned idly on a pure white wall, playing with the new dagger he'd gotten at 'Assassins' Tools', where he'd stopped with Anko and the new vampire before going back to the Park. It was very pretty, as Anko loudly exclaimed upon seeing it, it's blade cut out of metal so black it seemed to suck light in and a hilt with enough jewels and intricate carvings to bring out its full beauty. And it was enchanted to allow the user to become invisible a certain number of times per day.

"Nice dagger. You go shopping?" Sasori looked up at the voice, offering the newcomer a nod of acknowledgment.

"Yes. Anko picked it out." His voice was, as usual, disinterested, but there was a slight trace of affection in his eyes as he looked at the blade.

"You still like her?" The new angel was amused. "The way things are going you might not want to come back after this. You going to paint your wings black?"

"Hardly, Kayami. My exile's not up for another 200 years. I have to stay occupied somehow."

Kayami acknowledged that with a nod. "Good. That new realm of theirs is the worst place to visit someone, and my doctor says if I run into one more wall I could seriously break something."

Sasori laughed, which would have destroyed his reputation if anyone down on earth had heard it. Behind Kayami, someone poked her head out the door. "Are you two going to stand there chatting or are you coming to the tea party? If you don't hurry you'll miss the show. The shinigami think they have a plan to get rid of the hollows once and for all. And Sasori's visiting hours are up in a half hour."

Sasori and Kayami stared at her blankly. The angel sighed. "The betting pool's almost closed."

The two angels glanced at each other and high-tailed it into the viewing room.

End Chapter

Yeah. So there's a bit of an explanation of the world. I'll add more as I come up with it. Oh, and the pairings from the beginning are going to change somewhat. I won't say how, though. That's up to you to decide. I've already gotten a very interesting idea that I'm planning to write in as soon as it'll fit.


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